A story is told of a teenage girl who always got embarrassed at her mother's visits in her school. Reason? She looked ugly and her face was deformed. The girl would tell her not to visit her because other girls were laughing at how her mother looked and gradually, she began to resent her mother. One time during a conversation, the mother disclosed to her the story behind the scars... "When you were a little girl, our house caught fire and you were inside the house sleeping. I took the risk to get burned while saving you from the fire and that is how my face got burned".
As a therapist, I cannot ignore the fact that such a story could be true as I continue working with different cases in my capacity. As I reflected, I wondered how many scars parents and caregivers carry along because of the responsibility of bringing up their children. Some scars are visible. Others are invisible and may never be shared, even with those they think caused them. These scars come in different shapes and sizes; Dreams postponed or abandoned, children being wasteful with resources, rebellion and defiance, disrespectful words and not to mention for most women, the permanent body changes through birth experiences. Sometimes its the effort to provide for their daily needs that goes unappreciated.
These scars can linger on for a long time and breed unforgiveness and resentment to our own children and our spouses whether we are living with them on not. Sometimes it would be hard to admit that your own child has caused you pain. After all, is this not what parenting is about? Some children go ahead of doing the opposite of what you have taught them all along. Here are a few thoughts that I thought you could reflect on and yes, you guessed right, go for therapy if you need to and seek healing! And here we go...
No farmer ever planted a seed and left it to grow on its own without the effort. The Bible says that the hard-working farmer ought to be the first to receive the share of his crops (2 Tim 2:6). It is interesting to note that the word "parenting" was first used in 1918 and it was at the height of many theories that were developed to understand how children behave and what the caregivers should DO rather than who they should BE. Parenting is who you are more than what you do. The task of being a parent is inherently of servanthood more than it is of authority.
Saying it to your child (whether a toddler, an adolescent or adult) does more harm than good. The moment children get a whiff that they are a burden to us, it changes how they perceive us and our relationship with them. It also affects how they relate with other adults in their lives. Even with those who we think are rebellious or defiant have a deep longing to feel accepted. Chidlren are worth the pursuit.
It is characteristic for relationships to have the ebbs and flows of joy, fulfillment, disappointment and vulnerability. Look at how you have related with your friends from your formative years and how you relate with your (extended) family. What patterns might you observe that will cause you to see how you relate with people? How are these patterns being replicated in your relationship with your children and spouse? Do you tend to give up easily on people because they have hurt you? Do you expect too much of people more than they can give. Remember, everyone is growing and learning and this happens in an atmosphere of unconditional positive regard.
The roles will someday be reversed. The children will grow, and they too will have their share of being parents and on the other side of the coin, take care of you when the Lord blesses you with a good long life (Psalms 92:14). We can model to them the aspects of servanthood to best prepare them to propagate functional families and godly generations.
As you connect with your children at home, let them know that they are worth the effort, to be pursued, to be loved, to be nurtured. They are worth the pursuit in the midst of the scars. What are your thoughts on this? What have you learned as a parent concerning the thoughts I have shared? Drop us a comment below!
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